This will be brief, because I am seriously hurting. I wouldn't even be trying to type on a bad arthritis day like this, but I'm feeling the need for some connection to the outside world, and with the several inches of snow we've gotten overnight I don't see myself venturing out alone with the kids, especially since I'm not gripping too well today. Hubby is at work, again.

I thought I had turned the corner on Wednesday -- I've been back on the methotrexate for about a month, and Mon-Wed I felt great -- swelling down to the point where I could actually put my wedding ring set on for the first time in six weeks, got a little exercise on the elliptical trainer, and dared to make some actual plans. I hate being on that medicine and the other things it does to my body, but if I could be pain free (and functional again!) it would be so worth it.

Then Thursday morning came. I woke up with a low-grade fever, and my hands were totally swollen again, as were my ankles and elbows too, and everything stiff and in pain. Horrible pain, and fatigue where I could barely prop my eyes open and was grateful that the two younger ones didn't burn the house down during my inevitable periods of dozing off. Worst of all, I felt totally demoralized. Anyone out there with chronic pain knows what it's like to have the hope sucked out of you like this.

Friday I was still stiff, but managed to rally long enough to take BS to her school rollerskating party and her violin lesson, but today I'm back to stiff, can't-close-my-hands pain. Broke a coffee mug (and almost a second one) today because I couldn't grip it tightly enough.

It's hard to say the the frozen weather here doesn't contribute at all to my symptoms, but I probably can't blame it exclusively. Just the same, I can't help but gaze out the window at the falling snow and think about how good it would feel to lay somewhere sunny and just let my joints bake.

I also hate that I'm missing out on days, weeks, months of enjoying my kids because I can't keep up. Even though the girls are old enough to understand, that doesn't make it easier, and the little man takes it the hardest -- all he wants is to "go outside" and "go byebyes" and Mommy just ain't up for it.

Sorry for the rambly vent -- not that I think anyone's going to read this, anyhow -- but I just felt the need to get it off my chest to someone other than my beleagured husband.

Now it's off to resist the temptation to plop the children in front of movies for the rest of the day...